A Mama Goddess without children

Life presents us with many challenges and opportunities, and becoming the owner of Mama Goddess included both (although these two words are often synonymous).

Just so there is no confusion (since a lot has changed in the past year or two), the current Mama Goddess structure is this: I, Mayu Kawata, run the Mama Goddess USA store, and Jill Colpitts, also owner of Midwifery Supplies Canada, runs the Mama Goddess Canada store as a franchise.  Jill and her husband Paul (and their adorable little helper Annika) have been amazing operators of the Canada store and I am so blessed to have them on board.

Mama Goddess was something that fell into my lap.  When my sister Maria, doula and mother of a wonderful 3-year-old boy, purchased the business from Nikiah last year, Maria asked me if I could do this with her, so I became her partner.  When we had to move to the US from Vancouver, we took the business with us, and left Jill with the running of the Canada store.  At the end of the year, Maria moved to Hawaii for personal and professional reasons, and so my husband and I decided to continue Mama Goddess out of San Francisco.

Mama Goddess is finally at a place where we feel that it is stable and ready for exponential growth, now that our personal lives have settled.  I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of our customers for their loyalty, faith and patience during all of this transition.

So all that was the logistical aspect of our transition.  For me personally, there was also a huge internal, emotional transition.  Having been a music therapist, teacher and holistic health practitioner, my lifestyle always focused on holistic well-being, and I knew a fair amount about natural childbirth, but I was by no means a professional in the birthing world.  So during the year I ran Mama Goddess with Maria, she taught me a great deal, and I also started studying more and learning from other professionals.  There’s still much more to learn and I am in love with this learning process.

But something was wrong.  I didn’t feel like I deserved to be the owner of Mama Goddess.  I felt like I had to hide the fact that I had no children.  I felt like I should make excuses about why I am doing this when I haven’t given birth myself.

When I realized that I was feeling bad because I don’t have any children, a multitude of questions came up:

1. Can I truly be of service to women giving birth if I haven’t given birth myself?

2. Does it make me less of a person, less of a woman not to have children?

3. Then what about all the midwives, doulas and healers I know who don’t have children?

4. Does this mean I want children right now?

5. Am I ready to have children?

6. Should I confess to everyone that I don’t have children?

These questions may sound ridiculous, but they were honest, raw questions that brewed inside my mind.

Then something shattering happened: the sudden death of our beloved mother, the person who supported us the most in our Mama Goddess venture, the woman all three of her daughters always aspired to be, suddenly gone into another realm of being.

This really made me inquire even deeper about motherhood and the continuation of life, but at the same time, when something so major happens – it can also clear the way to start anew, to look at life in a whole new light.

I still have no clear answers to those questions.  But I can now ask my mom when I’m confused or lost – and even though I can’t physically hear her voice, I can hear her in my heart, and this is what she tells me:

Go with the flow.  Everything has its perfect timing.  If you have a choice to do something good, do it and do it wholeheartedly.  But you don’t need to rush, you can take breaks.  If you see a nice bench as you’re climbing a hill, sit there and rest for a while.  Just keep at it at your own pace.

Can I be a Mama Goddess with no children?

All I can say is that I am and will continue to do the best that I can.  It won’t be perfect, but that’s what motherhood is, right? Always doing our best, but not going against the flow.  Always doing our best, but not being too hard on ourselves.  Always thinking of our babies first, but taking care of ourselves when we can.

For now, Mama Goddess Birth Shop is my beautiful, adopted baby, and I hope I can nurture it to the best of my abilities, so that she will continue to grow into a being that will make a positive difference in the world.

And when I do have my human children, I hope that she will be a great older sibling who will peacefully help me bring them into the world – with her waterbirth pool, blue pads and mesh panties!

Love & many blessings to all mamas of the world.

Thank you for reading.