Taking Care of Mom after Baby Arrives
From the Expectant Mothers Guide web-site
Many women approach motherhood with a sense of wonderment and cautious optimism. What kind of mother will I be? What kind of baby will I have? How will my life change? Will I be a good mother? Some women try to prepare for these new changes by loading up on educational materials, seminars, self-help books or informal dialogues with helpful friends and neighbors.
Surely, any new mother would agree that there are countless things to worry about, obsess over, or otherwise preoccupy your thoughts. But in the few weeks and months after giving birth, there is one imperative that stands out among the rest. No matter what else you do, no matter how hard you try to prepare and do your best — the very best thing you can do for your baby at this time is to take care of yourself. This is not simply a matter of indulgence or, “If I have time, I’ll do such and such for myself.” It is an absolute necessity.
The postpartum period is a time in a women’s life when she is most vulnerable to emotional illness. Failure to take care of yourself adequately can create the perfect opportunity for serious depression to set in. Mothers don’t spend enough time thinking about how they feel. Understandably, most of your spare energy goes toward caring for your baby. But the facts are clear: if you take care of yourself, you will strengthen the resources that will enable you to take better care of your baby.
Some guidelines for the first few weeks after birth may appear very obvious, but many women have difficulty giving themselves permission to make their needs a priority.
1. Nurture the nurturer — It can feel wonderful if you pamper yourself a little. Do whatever it takes —a manicure, pizza, long-distance phone call, haircut, a good book, etc. You will never find a better excuse to indulge in self-absorbed and, perhaps, frivolous projects. (Remember, if you feel guilty about this, you will be defeating the purpose.)
2. Sleep — If your baby is getting you up at night, it is especially important for you to find time to rest during the day. That means when your baby naps, you do not do the laundry or clean the floor. If you can’t sleep, lie down on the couch, close your eyes and try to relax. Your body needs time to recharge, especially if you are not sleeping well at night.
3. Eat nutritiously — How many times have you heard this? From your doctor, or your mother, perhaps? Eating well is one of the best ways to fortify your resources. This is especially important if you are breastfeeding. Many new mothers are worried about excessive weight gained during pregnancy and may be preoccupied with how they can reduce in the early postpartum months. This may need to be postponed for a while until you are feeling stronger. Don’t forget to watch out for excessive amounts of high-sugar snacks and caffeine. Both can cause you to feel jittery and anxious.
4. Exercise moderately — Try to get out and walk if you aren’t interested in regular aerobic activity. The fresh air will feel wonderful, and the exercise will help keep you in shape and feeling good.
5. Stay in touch with friends — Spend time with family and friends. Try to maximize the time you spend with people who will support you and help you out if necessary. Isolation can increase feelings of loneliness and depression — try to stay connected with important relationships.
Here are some additional tips:
1. Turn on your answering machine and leave it on for a while. This is a wonderful way to screen callers and decide who you are in the mood to talk to and who you can call back later, especially if you are trying to rest.
2. Your thank you notes can wait. Try not to pressure yourself into thinking that everything has to be done right now. If procrastinating is just not your style, you may have to learn to let go a little bit and realize that some of the things that you want taken care of NOW are just going to have to wait. It may be hard, but it will definitely be worth it.
3. When someone asks what they can do to help — tell them. This is no time to suffer in silence. If someone in your family has offered to assist you in some way, don’t be afraid to tell them exactly what you would like them to do. For instance, maybe a neighbor can watch your older child while you rest with the baby, or your mother-in-law can bring dinner over one night so you don’t have to cook.
4. Learn how to say “no”. Setting limits is not an easy thing to do. But this is not the time to do favors for other people or for others to take advantage of how accommodating you may be. You may find it necessary to say, “Yes, I would love for you to come over and see the baby, but I’m really tired. Maybe we can make plans for another time.”
5. Simplify everything. Laundry can wait. Your bed doesn’t have to be made every day. Take-out dinner is fine. Everything doesn’t have to be 100% perfect. Try to let go of your expectations that everything must be exactly the way it was before the baby. It’s not.
It would be nice if having a baby were as simple and as glorified as we often see it portrayed in the movies. But, alas, welcome to the sometimes exhilarating, always challenging world of dirty diapers and sleepless nights. With the emerging realization that this unfamiliar adventure has to somehow fit neatly into the framework you have put forth, it becomes clear that things are going to have to change.
Giving yourself permission to relax is not a luxury. It is vital to your well-being, and you may be surprised at how wonderful it feels!
Editorial provided by Karen Kleiman, MSW, co-author of “This Isn’t What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression”, is Clinical Director of The Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, Pennsylvania.
